Part 1 of a 3 Part Series
Married or Dating – Keeping it Hot Matters!
A real woman’s perspective on keeping things Hot! Yup, I’m real so here is mine. Yes, a little common sense, a lot of real life experience, and an interest in the work of Esther PereI. I first encountered Esther on a Youtube Ted Talk. What she had to say made a lot of sense. She opens her book MATING IN CAPTIVITY with a poem by D. H. Lawrence
Wild things in Captivity Wild things in captivity while they keep their own wild purity won't breed, they mope, they die. All men are in captivity, active with captive activity, and the best won't breed, though they don't know why. The great cage of our domesticity kills sex in a man, the simplicity of desire is distorted and twisted awry. And so, with bitter perversity, gritting against the great adversity, the young ones copulate, hate it, and want to cry. Sex is a state of grace. In a cage it can't take place. Break the cage then, start in and try. -D.H. Lawrence
Keep Your Own Life
Those in permanent or semipermanent relationships put a lot of stock in that condition. As if that relationship is protection from the outside world. I often detect, however, the need to completely know their partner or to be known. In the knowing, however, is a desire to control. I have heard the clicking of the locks of control with seemingly innocent comments, suggestions, ideas about how I should live my life. Therefore, control can be exerted over the relationship or the partner, I’m not really certain. However, encouraging mystery in a relationship is really about giving up that control.
How to we encourage each other to surrender to that mystery? To me, I just try to be a bit mysterious. Keeping things smoking lies in that bit of space where you are just a bit nervous and a bit curious. However, embracing that insecurity is counterintuitive in many ways. Furthermore, finding ways to develop that mystery is a puzzle to many.
How we cultivate that mystery in someone else may start as a mystery to ourselves! Encouraging the mystery often means maintaining your own identify outside your relationship. Thus, continuing to meet girlfriends, making new friends, attending events with other people beside your significant other can have an impact. Having something genuine, exciting, meaningful to you to share with your significant other helps that partner to see you as “other”. Notably, someone other than my wife, girlfriend, lover…whatever.
Maintain Your Secret Garden
Humans do not want to feel alone so we seek to be intimate with others to combat those alone feelings. However, to keep your space and maintain mystery, requires a pulling back from that intimacy. Cultivating areas in your life that you do not share. Areas that require privacy, respect, and for our partner to tolerate and actually encourage those spaces.
We do not need to know everything about our partners. Also, we do not need to reveal everything there is to know about ourselves. Keep a few secrets. That could be the steamy romantic material you like to read, eroticism you do not share with him, or even a guilty pleasure you share with a girlfriend. Owning that private space, that secret garden, can help cultivate wanting for both you and your partner. Therefore, tending your own garden is a matter of maturity, sensuality, and separateness.
It is inside the space between you and your lover that yearning is cultivated. However, come back next week for Part Two in creating spaces in relationships to help desire flourish and keep things smoking Hot!
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Celebrate your sexy self – shamelessly!
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